This week, the Sheldon comic devoted three days to the subject of Food Poisoning.



As with just about everything people write about digestive sickness, I consider it rather understated.

I don’t get “A Touch of Food Poisoning”, I get “Touched by Chainsaws, Flame Throwers and Sidewinder Missiles”.

I don’t feel “Bloated” or “Stuffed”, I feel “Like Whatever I Ate Smuggled In Its Extended Family”.

I don’t get “Nausea”, I get “Meals Arrested by the Arizona Police and Deported to Countries They’ve Never Been To Before”.

I don’t get “Heartburn”, I get “Internal Eyjafjallajökull Eruptions with Occasional Krakatoa”.

I don’t get an “Upset Stomach”, I get a “Stomach Screaming Obscenities, Throwing Things a Me and Leaving Me to Go Home to Mother, Taking Several Other Vital Organs With It”.

I don’t have “Excess Stomach Acid”, I have “A Chemical Experiment Go Wrong in My Stomach Creating a Universal Solvent That Burns a Hole to the Center of the Earth”.

I don’t get “Cramping”, I get “Everyone at a Boy Scout Jamboree Practicing Knots With my Intestines”.

I don’t get “Irregularity”, I get “Total Irresponsibility that make Lindsay Lohan Appear Saint-like by Comparison”.

I don’t get “Diarrhea”, I get “Deepwater Horizon”.

I don’t “Fart”, I “Turn the Room I Am In into the San Quentin Gas Chamber”.

I don’t get “The Runs”, I get “The Boston Marathon (that doesn’t end until that fat guy who never should have entered crosses the finish line 3 days later)”.

I don’t do “The Pepto Bismol Dance”, I do “St. Vitus’ Dancing With the Stars with the Combined Casts of Lost and The Wire”.

And I don’t have something that I eat “Disagree With Me”, I have something that I eat “Call Me Names, Accuse Me of Crimes Against Humanity, Declare Me Unfit to Live, and Call for My Public Assassination.” (And honestly, I don’t remember eating Glenn Beck)

Via my peeps, eeks and smocks at MonkeyFilter, here is a McDonalds ad from France that falls in the institutional-family-feel-good category with a refreshing twist:

This brings back only somewhat-related memories. (more inside…)

The massive sinkhole in Guatemala City May 31 was not the first such phenomenon in that area. Another big round hole appeared (or disappeared) in March of 2007. Of course, Fark had to do a photoshop contest using a picture of the cavernous void, and I had to participate. (I was rather Fark-ish those days) Changes in the link structure of photoslop.com resulted in my contributions disappearing from that site, but they are still here:
(more inside…)